I don't feel safe on gSm. So I am leaving.

I know it might sound dramatic, but I've genuinely been traumatized by some of the things that have happened here. No, not over pixel clothes. I've been traumatized by the people here that used me, that abused my patience, kindness and sense of justice to try to make me cause harm to others.

There is no trust in this website. None at all. I don't feel heard or believed. I don't feel safe with the people that are supposed to keep me safe here. There are so many cliques and sides here, and I can never know which one I am on. I generally just try to do the right thing, and follow the rules. I like rules, they make things easy. I like to make people happy, and to generally be helpful. But none of that matters here.

Everything is rotten. From the core to the peel. The management is rotten, the userbase is rotten, everything. I just can't do it anymore. I can't read more about doxxing, leaks, bullying, lawsuits... I've been here for the glimmers I could see from time to time. The genuine friendships that I built and the connections. But honestly, it's just not worth it. I suffer more being here than I gain. There were many people I wanted to get to know better, I'm sorry we never got the chance. I just can't do this anymore.

Thanks for the memories

Guestbook:

https://gosupermodel.com/community/forum_thread.jsp?id=78848

I just wanted to put this here, because I didn't feel like bothering updating my profile haha.


So, I haven't been that active on gSm in general recently, I honestly haven't had a lot of energy left for gSm in general after the dust settled from the last big blow up situation that happened here. It impacted me deeply, and although I want to move on from it, I feel a big sense of insecurity in the space because of it.

My non-gSm friends have also been concerned for me and for the level of involvement I've had with the website as there has been so much upsetting stuff happening that has had a really negative impact on my mental health. I've been extremely invested in gSm, spending a lot of time on the website and in forums, trying to meet new people and build new friendships. I share stuff with my friends quite openly, and they know me as a quite undramatic person that tries to be level-headed, so their response to all the stuff that happens on the site is one of absolute disbelief and worry. I struggle to relate to and get to know people through gSm - the DMs are too intimate too suddenly, and the forums are too open, impersonal and slow. And there is so much difficult stuff that has happened here, that has kept me up at nights and caused me so much grief. I've fought and I've mourned over this website. I feel like I'm living in a soap opera and it's just too much to deal with - I don't feel like I get to be a part of the community unless I have X amount of "famous" friends and am online 24/7. I don't know how to connect with people through gSm on gSm deeply, and it makes me sad to be here.

I might have ended up on the wrong side of some stuff or not, I honestly don't know "who's to blame" for the brunt of the pain I've gone through here. I lost a lot of motivation for engaging in the community because I feel like it has taken so much more from me than it was able to give. I still log on to check out shop updates and dress up, but I find myself avoiding my inbox and the forums more often than not. I don't have any specific plans to quit or anything, but I also don't feel like I can really call myself active here either. I think I've just experienced a bit too much turbulence with a feeling of too little control or autonomy to make a positive change in the space. I've felt so much helplessness on this website and it makes me want to cry just thinking back at it. I've felt like a secret spy in a corrupt government, I've felt like the accidental villain, I've felt like no matter how hard I try to talk honestly with genuine intentions, no matter how much I've tried to do the good thing, it's not gonna be enough. In the end, I feel pushed aside and forgotten, and frankly too exhausted to stand up to try to raise my voice again.

I love goSupermodel. I love being back at the website where I made my first friend, my best friend, so many years ago. I love dressing up and seeing all the amazing things the community can do.

But in the end, I feel like goSupermodel has given me too much grief, and caused me to feel too small. And I'm really tired of feeling small, I'm really tired of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells, like I'm in a jungle and don't know when I will be attacked next. This might be my paranoia after everything that has happened, but I never really got to settle in after that. I never really got to feel comfortable and safe in the space afterwards. So it's important to me that I spend more time in other places for now where I feel like my energy goes into something that will also give me something back.

To my friends on here - if you want to remove me from your friend lists, I understand that. I'm not gonna delete my model or anything, and I'll still probably log on fairly frequently to check shop updates and stuff (I still adore dressing up here). But my activity here will not be very social, and I probably won't respond to messages or say a lot in forums etc. If you wanna stay in touch, feel free to message me on Discord: Alienna#1706

Well, it's been a while!

I honestly was just incredibly busy with a lot of different things, and I couldn't quite find the motivation to write here. But I wanted to keep up with this so I decided to make an update!

About my crush, I haven't seen him since last time I updated my goBlog. I put a lot of effort and emotion behind Valentines Day, and after that he just didn't ask me out, despite seeming genuinely appreciative of everything. The week after he didn't ask me out, just declined my offer and forgot about a promise he had made to me weeks prior. I was hurt, and I told him. I put a lot of effort into making sure that I communicate clearly and don't push blame, so I made sure I didn't assign fault to him, but just expressed that it was hurtful to be forgotten about, and that him not asking me back made me feel rejected. He apologized, but he didn't offer any explanation, nor did he try to reschedule or ask how he could make it up in any way. Needless to say, I was really upset by this.

A few days later, he had promised he could meet me, but it turned out he couldn't see me after all because of a work thing. He didn't try to reschedule. I pushed it, because I wanted to clarify what was going on, and to let him know that I didn't appreciate being treated in that way. But because of how avoidant he was, I ended up asking him "Do you want to see me?" and he told me he didn't. He told me I had glossed over his feelings of being so out of it he couldn't get out of bed (despite only having told me that he was having mood swings, and declining my offer to do anything to cheer him up), and said I had guilted him which just made him feel worse (because I asked him to ask me back instead of decline, and because I had told him I was hurt that he forgot about me). I was pretty disgusted by this. We decided to talk later, and he told me that he was free on Wednesday, and that we could "even hang out after," which was just kind of ridiculous to me. Why would I want to hang out with him if he *** expressed not wanting to see me? So I told him that if he didn't want to see me then I honestly didn't want to see him either, so we might as well just call. He agreed we should just call.

We ended up having a one hour phone conversation and it was incredibly frustrating. Apparently he had had some negative thoughts about me from months ago, but just never told me. Apparently, he wasn't comfortable telling me things, ANY things, not even the fact that he wasn't comfortable telling me things. He cut me off when I said I tried to respect people's boundaries, going "no I don't think you do." When I asked him what he meant, he said he thought I broke people's boundaries by saying how I felt about things. He kept cutting me off to "calmly" insult me, and basically call me a bad person. But he didn't use directly bad words, so I'm sure it still aligns with him being "calm and collected" or something.

I'm still kind of working my way through these feelings. I really liked him a lot, and so many things about him seemed like we were perfectly aligned. But I guess in the end he just really wasn't it. I will not let someone disrespect me the way he did. I will not let someone guilt me for being a responsible communicator, and insinuate that I am a bad person for trying to relate to people, for trying to be honest. I really feel like he just assumed the worst about me, and instead of asking or trying to clarify, just waited for his assumptions to be validated. He didn't even try. I deserve someone who does.

If nothing else, at least I am proud of myself for seeing that. I am proud of myself for being angered by how he treated me, instead of defaulting to thinking it was my fault. I'm not perfect, but I know I didn't do anything wrong in that situation with what was available to me. I'm glad that I've grown enough to know I deserve to be treated better than this

I've had no time to write recently, but things have been really well with my crush and me!! Hopefully I can update on things more properly soon, but in the meantime, here's the kind of rushed poem I wrote for him for Valentines (he liked it a lot )

With You
A sunny sky above us
The flowers blooming bright
And there you sit among them as
You soak in all the light

The smell of grounded coffee
And freshly baked croissants
Fills up this little coffee shop
Where we sit and chat

The hours feel like minutes
Before we know, it's dark
But I don't want to leave you yet
I like to feel this spark