22. January 2023 06:30
Just two days to go.
It's crazy how I always feel like I can let go of the hope that he won't turn around. Like I'm at peace with that he's not going to give it another shot right now. And then suddenly, I just can't stop imagining scenarios where he changes his mind, where he mentions a reason that is all wrong and I explain it to him, and he agrees with me, and we get back on track. Where he kisses me, where he holds me. It's so foolish, but I can't help myself.
My date yesterday actually went well. It was another Swedish guy, a nerdy guy, which I like. I feel like we could get along. And I want to see him again. But I also am not really ready with my heart at all. After three failed dates, I'm not really sure how to feel about this one going well. Having all these other dates go so badly was so tiring, and it felt like such a waste of time and energy. Yet, meeting someone I had a good time with.... I don't know what to think. I don't know what I should feel.
I wonder if I'll finally cry in his presence on Tuesday, or if he still will keep me calm. I wonder if I will feel any sense of finality. I wonder if it will mean goodbye, forever. Because it never felt like it last time. I can't bring myself to feel happy about the thought of it being goodbye forever. I can't help but wanting to hang on. How dare you like me. Why couldn't he just have not liked me?
I just want to be held.
20. January 2023 17:43
This Tuesday I went on another date.
I didn't hate it. I didn't actively want to run away. It was okay. But I wasn't really attracted to the guy. It was kind of difficult to reckon with. At first, I thought I just had to give him more of a chance, so I exchanged contact info with him and we agreed to meet up this weekend. But the moment I went home afterwards, I started thinking of my crush again. I was almost crying when I got off the train. And I knew it wasn't gonna work out with me and this new guy. There were just too many things lacking, and not actively wanting to run away isn't really something to settle with.
I reached out to my crush on Wednesday. We decided to meet on Tuesday, and he's gonna give me feedback on what I wrote to him. I'm quite nervous, but also somewhat at peace? It's a weird juxtaposition. I still feel heartbroken but I also don't want to run after someone that doesn't want me. I think he wants me, but that he's scared. But I won't know anything for sure until then.
In the meantime, I'm meeting someone else tomorrow. I called him beforehand, and he seemed nice. Hopefully this date will be a little better than not actively wanting to run away.
16. January 2023 14:42
I've been feeling quite out of it today. We usually met up once a week, and it's been a week since I saw him for the last time now. It feels hollow.
On Thursday, I sent him a message. It was terribly long, and by terribly long I mean 2300 words long. But I had a lot on my mind and I wanted to make sure I said everything I felt I needed to if I was never gonna hear from him ever again. He responded to me a few hours later, and basically told me that he would need some time to collect his thoughts before he gave me a proper response. He has been thinking a lot about last week too, and if he could justify his reason or if he was just projecting. It gives me some comfort to know my assumption was likely right, but I don't have any hopes that he will necessarily change his mind.
I still haven't heard from him. I'm glad he's not rushing it, but waiting for his response is also a little nerve wrecking. Knowing him, I'm pretty sure he will respond, I just don't know how long he needs. I'll poke him on Thursday when it's been a week, just to see.
In an attempt to move on, I've been going on dates. I kind of hate it. I went on both Saturday and Sunday, and they were both uncomfortable. I felt catfished for the first date, and I didn't find the guy neither attractive physically nor did his vibes match what I expected. The second date was less bad, but I also didn't really enjoy it or felt comfortable around him. It was kind of awkward. And a lot of guys seem to expect or want to go out drinking for the first date, which just seems a bit much for me. I'm just not really comfortable with vulnerable activities like that with someone I just met.
I'm going on another date tomorrow. This guy has more potential than the others, but I'm a bit hesitant.
A part of me kind of hopes I can just wait around a bit for my crush to get around. I know that's not a good thing, but I still like him a lot.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
11. January 2023 13:24
I'm doing a little better today.
My main coping mechanism is dissociating. It's not particularly healthy, but it's the only way I know how to deal with major emotions. I think I've just been through so many of them during my lifetime that it happens automatically.
That first night I didn't sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, I started sobbing. I couldn't help but imagine him, and think how much I didn't want to forget his face. I couldn't help but think about the picture he took of me, because he must have known what he meant to do. Did he take it as a memento? A way to remember me, now that we would separate forever?
I took the day off from school. At that point, the clock was 5:30, and my alarm was scheduled to go off an hour later. It took me until noon to pass out of exhaustion. After that, I just slept. When I woke up, I was scared to stay awake for too long, in case the memories and emotions would come back, so I hurried back to sleep. I basically slept the whole day.
I started writing out my emotions. It feels insane, but I've written 2300 words and I still don't know if I've exhausted everything I want to say. I think this thing is so stupid. And I will let him know. I'm giving myself one more day to sort out my thoughts and my text. Then I'll send it to him.
Disassociating was kind of hard today. It's the only way I know how to cope, but I felt a lot of anxiety. I need to find peace again. I've started talking to new people just barely, hoping to make some new connections. I'll leave the door open for him for a little bit longer, but I won't linger in the doorway. It hurts too much.
A bit all over the place today
10. January 2023 08:15
This whole journey has been hard. I thought I was over him, and ready to move on. I really wasn't. On Sunday, I just started crumbling a bit, and I realized I'm really not ready to give up on him. I talked to friends, and I got a lot of advice. I felt ready to take it all on.
Then we met for the last time.
The weather was beautiful. I was anxious, but once we started texting I calmed down a bit. I accidentally went to the wrong station, and for once he had to wait for me, as I'm usually on time and he's usually a few minutes late.
We went to a park he spent time in every summer as a child. We walked around, chatting, and he would tell me about *** there as a child with his siblings. How he would play, how things would look different during the summer. How he would scare his little sister and make her bounce really high on the trampoline.
We went to a Japanese garden, and we sat by the pond talking about movies and TV shows, just sitting next to each other on a big rock. We saw bonsai, and I took a few pictures.
There was a little path on some flat rocks across the pond, and I took it. He stopped to take a picture of me. He has never done that before. I smiled for the picture, and then I teased him and said I'd push him in. We went to sit on a park bench, and I leaned on him, and he leaned on me. I wanted to show him something on my camera roll, but somewhere along the scrolling I completely forgot what I wanted to show and ended up just showing him all kinds of things - from memes to family pictures.
We left the park, and I showed him my favourite store. He's not much of a shopper, but I just wanted to show him where it was and what it looked like, cause I'm really passionate about thrifting. We just stayed for a few minutes before we got dinner.
The dinner was great, but I could sense him slowly becoming more and more quiet, where we usually talk non-stop. He finished my food for me, and let me try some of his. He even ordered his meal as a double because he thought the portion sizes might be small and I might still be hungry.
We went to the station. The wait on the train was 15 minutes, and it was mostly quiet. I could sense how tense he was. He said he'd follow me to my station, and he did. On the train, I leaned on him, and he leaned on me. We held hands, our fingers gently stroking each other.
We got off on my station. He had to wait for his train back, and so I waited with him. That's when he finally said it. That he didn't think we would work.
I thought I'd fall apart, but I didn't. He just always puts me so at ease, I couldn't. It wasn't because of our dating preferences. Actually, he agreed with me that dating was a temporary thing and that it shouldn't affect his decision about me.
He thought I prioritized relationships too much. I don't like being single. He doesn't mind. He's not very adaptable in relationships, and doesn't want to have to change too much. He thought that since I prioritize relationships so much, I would make great sacrifices in ours, and therefore expect him to do the same. I don't think he's right. My needs are very adaptable, and I value my independence in a relationship a lot - I just like having someone "at home" that I can retreat to. The only real need I have is clear expectations, knowing what's gonna come. And based on our hours and hours of conversation..... I think he meets all my base needs just by being who he is.
I tried to tell him. He said he agreed that he might be wrong. He told me how hard it had been to make the decision.
I never cried. We spoke calmly. My adrenaline was rushing at times, but it never spilled over or made me anxious. I have no idea how long we talked for, or how many of his trains passed. Eventually I told him he should go home. He hugged me. I wanted to tell him to get back to me when he was over his commitment issues (in a kinder way) but I couldn't. He lingered in the door. He watched me as his train went out of the station.
I walked home and I sobbed the whole way. I didn't sleep all night, cause every time I tried to close my eyes, I would think of him, and how I don't want to forget his face. Thinking why he took that picture of me, after 6 dates.
We would have been so great.