the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.
I truly believe i have lost the love of my life, maybe not forever but atleast for now.
For some months of 2022 i wrote a diary on my computer, reading parts of it is heartbreaking. as it contains me falling in love, his first time telling me he loves me and me just realizing we belong together.
I’ve known this man since 2016, i think. maybe even 2015. he sent me a message on messenger, he was in the same class as my older sister. and we just started talking, about life. It was an age where both of us were going through a lot. He never thought he’d make it past 18. Today he’s 26. I never thought I’d make it either, but here i am.
He got to hear about me being bullied, self-harm, troubles at home, growing up poor. Grief and misery, pain and growing. I was there when his mother died. And i got to hear about his abusive childhood, and moving out at 13. NOBODY knows me like this man does - and nobody knows him like i do. It’s one thing meeting a person and hearing about their past, we talked to each other while living ours.
We met a few times at parties. he let me down many times. many many many times. Ditched me and abandoned plans we’ve made. It was heartbreaking yet I kept falling in to the same pattern. It was toxic, for sure. those who were friends with me during 2018-20 heard it alllll and not a lot of people in my life was a big fan of him. He slept at my place a few times but we neverrrr slept with each other. we just cuddled and talked, always. He often drove me home from the bar.
Part of me misses this era, yet not.
During midsummer he bicycled across town to sleep next to me. The day after we said bye, a short while after he knocked on my door and pretended to have forgotten his headphones only to give me a kiss. I still smile thinking about it today.
a few days after midsummer i get a call in the middle of the night. I was just in the process of moving apartment and was sleeping my first night in the new one. it was around 3-4am so i was really confused when i saw him calling - the call was probably only a few seconds long. he said he’d met a girl and that him and i can’t have any more contact.
I cried so much that night, called my sister, cried more and tried to sleep. The next day i tried talking to him, i felt like i had lost one of my closest friends, and for what? some girl? we sent a few messages back and forth, i said “you can’t just break contact with someone like this?” and he said, “HAHAHA i can do what i want”.
it had been little over a year- and the past year he’d been stalking my social media a bit, watching my insta-stories, sometimes just randomly liking one of my posts, i KNEW he had an eye on me, but i was watching him as well. Despite living in the same town we hadn’t seen each other for the entire year. Some time in the beginning of july this random instagram account messaged me saying “hi, i hope you’re doing ok”. It only followed one person (me lol) and the name immediately got me, i knew it was him. It was like a ROCK fell straight down my gut, it was so heavy and scary and i was so afraid. Not afraid of him, but being hurt again. when he broke contact with me, I had NEVER experienced a heartbreak that massive. I felt like dirt someone kicked under the rug, nothing more, nothing less. But we started talking a bit, i learned he had broken up with the girl. their relationship had not been the best and she was in the process of moving out.
A few days later I was out at the bar and called him on my way home, I walked 45 minutes home and picking up my phone and talking to him felt as natural as ever. A year without talking on the phone and when we did again it felt like hours had passed, not a year. It was so NATURAL, it felt like coming home. and we talked and laughed.
August 1st 2021,
I was close friends with one of his better friends. his friend held a party and i went there, before going i sent a quick message asking who’s there - and ofc, he was. We hadn’t seen each other for over a year, so I sent a message just mentioning I was on my way. He met me outside, we hugged. That night i got to sit down and tell him everything about the past year, how i had never ever been hurt like that, that i had legitimately hated him and how the day after he broke my heart i wrote to my mom and she said that “if it’s meant to be, he’ll come back” - and here we were. That night we held hands all the way to my apartment across town. We fell asleep next to each other and when we were falling asleep he said “this is gonna sound weird, but i’ve missed how you smell” HAHAHA, which is so strange yet cute. The last thing he said was,
“I can’t fall in love right now Frida, but maybe i already am”.
I went to work the next day, he got my spare key, i came home to my dishes done and my bed made.
And just like that it started.
a turbulent year. us falling in love. me falling for a guy who said he didn’t wanna have a relationship. he was at my place almost every day.
Somewhere early 2022 I realized I was in love.
He’s difficult. he has been through a lot and it shows a lot in close relationships. Looking at our surrounding NO ONE would believe we’d be on good terms then.
In february, two days after valentines day and after he’d gotten me this big panda-plushie, that i still sleep with - I found out he’d sent explicit texts to an ex-hookup while drunk. He had done it a month earlier. I found out by one of their mutual friends, apparently this girl had been bragging about it? lol. So i found out while i was at work, cried. It was heartbreaking since i had met them all at a party a month earlier, short after this all had happened - and all parts involved acted as if NOTHING was wrong. Looking back i’m PISSED about it.
I wrote to him at work, asking what tf he was thinking and that it felt unforgivable. He was in another part of the country working but turned right home the same second i wrote to him. That night after work i met him at my door and it was the first time i saw him cry.
Allegedly these events transpired during a night out, i know from earlier that he doesn’t remember this night, and that this coming forward was news to him. Til this day i still don’t fully believe that. But at this point we had both fucked up pretty massively, me back in november.
We talked about it and chose to move forward.
He met my parents. In march on my birthday I got him his late birthday present(bc the mail sucks and delivers things late), it was two t-shirts from his favorite band and i had written him a letter. He read it and straight after he looked and me and said what i had been feeling but was too much of a coward to say. “I love you”. and without hesitation i said it right back.
The day after it felt like a fever dream HAHAH, i was so scared to mention what he’d said, but he eventually said it again and it became a habit, but a special one. It wasn’t words he’d throw around to anyone.
It was so hard being in love with this man. As someone who grew up in a troubled household he often closed off and shut me out, this was his coping method. I was the opposite, i needed to talk about things instead of letting them linger. It was a personality trait in both we struggled to recognize and accept, but eventually did.
From my 2022-diary i have a entry from 7/2 called, “top 10 things that ever happened”,
He met my parents and it went great. We stood in my apartment hugging and he told me i am one of the top ten best thing to ever happen to him.
He sent me this goodnight voice-message,
“Hi, i just want to say that i think you’re great and the best thing in this entire world. Actually. I know i say a lot of dumb things to you, but that’s because you deserve to hear them sometimes too, how are you supposed to recognize the cute things if i’m cute all the time? Cause i mean, there’s no logic, but, kisses.”
It was all fun and games, we had this lingo and we were in love. “I love waking up next to him and I could get used to it. I am happy.”, I wrote in my diary.
We slept a lot at my place and in may -22 he suggested we started being more at his place and we just never…stopped. We went to finland together with my family for a wedding. The summer was amazing. August I said goodbye to my apartment and went to move in with him completely. September we got a kitten, little Betty. and continuously called it (me, him, Siri & Betty) “our little family”.
Gsm came back. There was some competition where you had to write about love, he had a gsm-account and wrote,
“Finding Love is something that alot of people strive for, but a few only find it. When we first met I had no idea what kind of emotions and turbulens you would bless my mental with. Even though from the start I was more or less the worst partner for you, I lied, took you for granted and I never really gave you the time you deserved. After some time we tried and now I can't really understand why I even bother with someone else. It says more about me than you think, but I felt alone for the longest time, you often stray into the wrong path when your head is cloudy. Love you xoxo”
During the beginning of 2023 both of us were unemployed, I quit my job in september because of stress, I was working way more than I bargained for and it ruined my mental health. He struggled a bit with my mental illness as it can be hard to maintain sometimes, but he learned. most times i just needed sleep, a shower, a hug, chocolate and some kind words. I needed to just feel like shit for a while and then it’d pass.
Living together was amazing, but during the summer it was a lot of stress and we started fighting more than we loved each other. It was intense. I cried a lot and slept on the couch and i lost faith in us a bit. Three (?) weeks ago we fought in the middle of the night, about chores not being made etc. I cried and i asked if he wanted to break up and the answer was yes. We vaguely discussed me just moving out, but for me it was a dealbreaker. If that was the option, i’d rather just break up. I slept on the couch, cried the entire night. The day after we talked a bit and asked him again if it was for real, yes. So i left. I packed my bags, left a note and went to my sister.
The days were turbulent and hard. I have never been this sad. Everyone kept mentioning how it’ll pass and that they have been there and that i’m so strong. I really appreciate it but i am so tired of hearing how STRONG i am because it doesn’t matter. What matters is what i just lost. This was the man i was supposed to marry, buy a house with, have kids with and continue building our “little family”. We had even named our hypothetical daughter hahah. Her middle name would be after his mom. I know it was all with good intention, but my world had just collided and weeks after I am still trying to pick up the pieces and decide on how i want to live my life past this.
I slept at my sisters place for a few days before I went back to the apartment, it was the first time that we met since we had broken up and we talked.
I mentioned that i probably had an apartment, he said he regrets it at times (breaking up with me), we discussed me getting the cats, he said he’ll help with moving expenses and all, i mentioned i had a wild night out after us breaking up (aka i came home and 6am, only to go to work at 10) - he had apparently had an equal wild night the night after HAHAH, he came home at 5. Both of us needed to drink the pain away.
When i was there we laughed and talked and he said that just because we’ve broken up, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me. He said he just want to run up and hug me but that he doesn’t feel like he can. When i was about to leave we hugged and i felt tears coming. But so much anxiety left my body that day.
When i was on the bus on my way from there i wrote him,
“I forgot to say it but it has to be said, I only want the best for you and to see you happy, everything will be fine eventually.”
and he replied,
“I want nothing more than to see you happy, you are worth more than i can ever give you. all will be well, it just takes time.”
It wasn’t just a breakup, it was me losing my best friend.
About two weeks later, now i have an apartment, i’m moving on sunday(!!!). We still hug and talk and cuddle in bed. We discussed it, it’d be weirder for us to NOT sleep next to each other. Yesterday we talked a bit. I am really really sad for him and that the cats are leaving with me, i know it’s HUGE loss for him. but he’ll still visit them and me. We talked about how both have gotten quite a lot of self-awareness from our breakup. Both were a lot in the wrong, but we’re still best friends, we still love each other.
He says he knows this is not the end for us. He has never been friends with an ex before, so this is very new to him. but this is right. there has always been this thing just pulling us to each other. If you ask us both about how we want our upcoming year to look like, we have completely different answers. That was the thing. We want different lives right now. I want to go out and see the world, i plan on moving to greece next year. He doesn’t. He want to stay in this town for longer and work, saving more money. I need more.
I know it’s not the best thing to be this close to your ex, we both do. but we’re just living our last days together right now. Soon the day-to-day life will look a bit different, and i’ve accepted it. We both have tinder HAHAHA, and even discussed and laughed about it. It's nothing serious. And it is the biggest relief ever being able to talk about these things, and call and rant about a shitty day. Everything. My life won’t be put on pause, i won’t sit and wait for something that might never come. But,
He is my best friend and my biggest love.
Going forward from this will be so hard. But the tiny feeling of relief that I felt when we broke up, says a lot. This is right for now but I still love him.
He said yesterday that he knows this is not the end of us, he still loves me. I know he is the love of my life. Maybe you only get one, maybe you get more. Only time will tell.