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21. January 2023 15:42

I've drunk now one time per week for three weeks, latest two days ago. Everything feels pointless I feel like shait and that I will never get better. I feel bad when I abstain from drinking and when I drink. I feel like these no solution for me and ending it all is the only thing that would make the pain awayyyy. This has been going on for too long, over 1,5 years I think. But I'm giving myself time to get better, I want to experience at least the next summer.

12. January 2023 17:14

Dear d,

why do I like this mf who thinks it's ok to hit children when raising them?? I just like to build pilvilinnas in my head and think that I can change his stupid opinions and I think I might actually love that guy wtf??? I haven't told this to anyone XDD I have never loved anyone romantically I think, even in my long relationship :D With this guy we have been friends for 4 years and we had a little thing when we first got to know each other trough our mutual friends, but it didn't work out because I wasn't over my last boyfriend then. Now we hang out in a big or small friend group about once a week and talk in this little group chat every day. But I'm so fokin borderline that like a month ago I thought of him just as friends?? It changes like every few weeks XD And now I wonder if i'm in love with the mf what's happeniiing XDDDDD

7. January 2023 16:58

Dear big-d,

Yesterday I went all out and today I feel like shait. I think I'll continue my sober life now, these hangovers just ain't worth it.

6. January 2023 03:50

Dear diary,

yesterday I broke my sobriety. I feel ok about it. Today I will go all out with ma friends. Fazer's new pullava chocolate is a disappointment, doesn't taste like pulla at all XD

3. January 2023 06:45

Dear diary,

been in a real dark place since new years. Yesterday I had little fight with J in the group chat and it made me question everything about my mind and our friendship. I haven't had these kind of thoughts in years I hate questioning everything. And I hate that I can't think of anything that would bring me joy. For two day I thought about breaking my sobriety but now I realized that even that would bring me no joy and maybe just make things worse. I'm lost, so lost. Even eating feels like nothing, usually it's the one thing I like doing :( And I've lost weight and usually I'm super excited if I do because of my Ed background but now I don't get kicks even from that??? Like all I can do is just to exist and try to make it from minute to minute. I hate myself. I hate everything.

Ps. One thing I do to pass the time and numb my thoughts is WC grind while listening to a podcast, today I got a new personal record of level 17 yay, I'm now like in the top 150 on the All-stars list! That made me feel LITTLE moment of happiness I guess