Omg I saw Hurts today and it was beautiful. Theo performed so beautifully and nice vekkuli moments XD also Olavi Uusivirta was lit. I'm having a post concert euphoria and I love it, it's a substance free high without any bad effects <3

So sing me to sleep toniiight and don't bring me baaack to liiife

Yeah käärijä didn't win and I got super mad and depressed about it, I couldn't believe it. Now it's been a week and I'm starting to get over it XD and I can't believe käärijä is number 1 most streamed Finnish song ever. And on most viral songs int THE WORLD also number one etc wow. Im going to see him in 2 weeks, the tickets were only 22,50e so I had to XD I'm afraid though that I won't enjoy it because everytime I expect something a lot I usually am anxious or dissociative in the actual moment and get mad at myself for not feeling good and it's a spiral... Same thing happened in Billie Eilish concert and Hurts concert... But I will still go and it is what it is we will see.

I'm very depressed. I got HL finally it has been kinda good at least. But I just feel like my brain is too messed up and I don't wanna be here because I will never get better. Why should I suffer on this planet from year to year just because I don't wanna hurt my friends? And I'm too tired to do the work. I should be more compassionate to myself but I am not able to do it even though I want to. It takes so much effort and Im just so tired.

First semifinal of esc done. Käärijä was BOMB like ppl were singin along and it was so awesome, I think we have real chance of winning this year omg omg. Bams gave me money to bet on eurovison that was too nice ääää. I think I'll bet it on second semifinal because the site won't show the final's betting options now for some reason idk?

I'm excited hihiii

Yay eurovision is tomorrow hihi. My favorites are Finland, France, GB, Sweden sort of, Tsekki, Armenia, Austria, Spain, Georgia and Spain. I think there are more but I can't remember them now XD I will watch the final alone this year because I don't want anyones babbling distracting me and I want to cry in peace XD Last year I hosted ESC watchin party and everyone talked so loud I couldn't hear the songs lmao. Not doing that again!! I also betted 10 euros money, 5 for Käärijä winning and 5 for France reaching top 3. I get 26 euros if they both come true xD

Otherwise I'm doing ok idk, I don't have so dark thoughts all the time but sometimes yess. I've gotten tired of drinking lately, it feels so pointless and I haven't had even fun last like 4 times. I think I will be drinking at least less, maybe 1-2 times per month would be good? This weekend my all friends were out drinking and I just felt like NO THANKS xdd

I guess my life is pretty boring atm, I don't wanna do anything etc. I guess if I was interested in someone it would be more interesting but I'm not blaaah.

Started watching los Serrano yesterday, it's the best nostalgia show and helps me to learn the listening part of spanish! xD I've been skipping spanish lessons ehehe...

I haven't written anything here in a long time. I'm doing pretty bad, during the week I'm just at home 24/7 and maybe only once a week go to grocery store.. and then on the weekend I go drinking one day and that's it. I haven't seen my doctor or psychologist in 3 months because I'm too tired to go there. I haven't even seen my friends but only on the weekend one day a week. I'm just so very tired:( usually I get better in the spring.

I want to start Spanish soon again so my goal is to revise the last course I did. Maybe that would get me out of the house if I go to study on the campus. Maybe with Bamse... I'm worried that I have spent so much time in my home that all basic things will me super hard for me in the outside world :( but I don't want to become agoraphobic so I need to put myself out of my comfort zone slowly but surely. I think 3-5 months at home 24/7 is enough vittu XD

Today I promised to go for a coffee with bams and Mertsi, I feel pretty good about it because I have taken a sedative. Still I'm little bit anxious though, I'm scared to leave the house and that my social anxiety will be triggered :(

In gsm I have lately gotten into making money by buying cheap stuff from the auction and selling them for profit, I love it I'm in my business woman era now XDD also playing WC while listening to audio books is awesome hihi

And I got the nose pierced finally and it looks awesome I love itt