30. December 2022 23:30

I'm having an ambitious goal of not getting sick even though I slept three nights next to someone with a flu.

i'm kinda planning to create an instagram account for some finnish content, and i could then share that in gsm, but i'm probably still too tired to start any public project.
i'd very much like to, but as a source, i feel weaker than ever before. it feels like everything i create is just null and void.

it may be that all of it has always bloomed on a different wavelength. on those that are hard to see.
I wonder if I can keep channeling my energy forever to people who don't sense those frequencies. not sure if that would be a good idea. and I don't know how my content would actually be viewed. I don't think I've ever gotten a reaction other than ignoring or resistance. or misunderstanding. I prefer to be ignored, because I like to feel inconspicuous.
but nowadays, I'm a little afraid that the silence is only because people are analyzing me behind my back. or at least now i know they really do that sometimes. i used to think that was unlikely.

(goblog is the best 'cause it ain't even possible to comment or react to other people's entries ) (but it's terrible that these appear in friends' events on the front page..)

i really used to love creating sc stories and everything. i wish i could start that hobby again some day. but as the audience would be different, i should start it all from the very beginning. it would feel so weird.
no one would understand anything at all, u know like my weird humor, aesthetic and some kind of inside jokes for example, until i had shown them all those things that i've already shown once to some others before.

and the last time i already thought i had built it carefully enough. little by little. starting with something understandable and slowly adding in the true shades of my kingdom. i guess i wasn't careful enough.
and it feels kinda difficult to return to that understandable form.
but i cant continue making content for the original audience either,,, 'cause i don't wanna return to that life anymore
it feels hollow and it can't be fixed

i wonder if i'll ever feel any type of connetion to anything again.

25. December 2022 19:57

i've been cleaning my brother's room for 3 days now :D i wonder if anyone has cleaned it in five years. after that i'm gonna clean my other brother's old room :DD
And I cleaned the kitchen earlier.
well, i enjoy organizing stuff. (this is must be the reason why wardrobe challenge is my fav game of all time)
now it's time to go stargazing...

23. December 2022 21:09

I wish i could show everything to that one soul.
so much magic everywhere
That's actually the thing i miss most about them
I wanted to show all this magic

I only had enough time to tell them about it
Oh lord and they heard no thing
They should have seen this place

all this, only for me?? it's way too much.

21. December 2022 22:26

I miss them. Kinda. Idk. Or maybe i miss that reality in which i didn't have to feel horrified each time i think about them.
Pain in my hands, made by horror in my heart.
If we randomly met, they would throw up.
Deep inside they felt like that all the time.
Few hours in a month was way too much
Something is wrong with me
It cant be them, they made me happy.

No, don't worry, i'm happier than anyone. I see the light. everywhere.

Im not a poet. I just have lost all the filters between soul and expression.