31. January 2023 19:40

writing: acceptance - 10/24/2020

Yesterday I was brave enough to read through our old messages and I wish I could’ve listened to the voice messages as well since our conversations were full of them. But they are gone and I will probably never get to listen to them again. I know what I fell for when I fell for you. I think we both had issues and it’s why we could’ve never worked it out. It was the wrong timing. But I can’t get over the instant connection we had. I was a little too much for you I guess and you couldn’t handle it. We both had to fix our own issues but when we were together we were busy fixing the issues of each other. When we were together we literally had no time for ourselves anymore. And it’s not a bad thing - I guess it’s just the way our brain works and we focus on other people more than on ourselves but at that time it just wasn’t what we needed. And when we stopped talking we were able to focus on ourselves again and when you broke my heart into a million pieces I could finally start to heal. And I did, it took me quite a while but I am better now than ever before. And I’m literally the happiest person on this planet at the moment because I’ve met someone else who loves me in ways you never could’ve. And I love him more than anything.
I’m okay with the fact that we’re over, I’ve had time to process it and I moved on. But when I read our messages it’s weird that we had this connection and it’s all gone now. I don’t think that there will ever be someone like you again. And that’s what I still kind of miss. But that’s okay as well.

29. January 2023 22:13

writing: moving on - 02/26/2020

It’s been a year now since the last time you were here. It’s been a year now since the last time you kissed me, the last time we really saw each other. Sometimes I can’t believe that it has only been one year since then. Somebody could tell me that it has been five years and I wouldn’t question it. The memories of you are faded and sometimes I have to ask myself if all of this really happened or if it was all just a dream. I don’t miss you anymore and I’m over it. I really am but I don’t think that there was one day on which I haven’t thought about you. And sometimes I am surprised that it’s been a year without you already. Because unlike the memories of you the memories of the day you left are still so present in my head. I remember this day so clearly. I remember the things you wrote me and I remember every second of that conversation. I remember being at work having to keep myself together so I wouldn’t cry in front of everyone. And I remember how I started crying the second I got in my car and not being able to stop that whole weekend. I remember missing you as the worst thing I ever had to feel and I remember the urge to kill myself because I thought that I wouldn’t be able to face a life without you anymore. We weren’t together for a long time, sometimes it’s funny to think that it has only been around 4 months that we were seeing each other. Because when we stopped talking it felt like it has been 10 years. Losing you definitely led to the saddest phase I had to go through in my life and it didn’t really stop for eight months. Eight months until I was finally able to let you go - and most of all, let go of the thought that you might come back. Every inch of my body was telling me to let you go, so I finally did. And since then I haven’t looked back. I am happier than I have ever been before and even though I still think of you every day and even though some certain songs, places, dates and photos still remind me of you every now and then, I am not sad anymore. We had a good time and then it was over, that’s it. It doesn’t hurt anymore and I am so, so thankful for that.

19. January 2023 14:27

writing: break up - 11/30/19

But if I’m being honest, if I could I would erase it all. I would erase all the memories of you so I can forget the fact that you existed. I want to forget us and the way we were with each other. I want to forget the way you smell and the way it felt to touch you. I want to forget the tight hugs you gave me because I’ve never felt as safe as I did in your arms. I know we haven’t been together for a long time but it was the most intense feeling I’ve ever felt for someone. And now that it’s been almost nine months without you I just want to forget us. I’m so sick of missing you, I’m so tired of having to face this life without you. Sometimes I still find myself wishing you’d come back even though every inch of my body knows that you never will. I know you don’t care about me at all anymore but somehow that doesn’t really make it any easier.
God, I miss being excited about the weekends because that’s when we could see each other and I miss the deep midnight talks with you. I miss that you were there for me when I wasn’t doing okay. I miss how you could make me feel good about myself. I miss the way I smiled when I was with you. I miss laying in bed with you listening to our playlist. I miss kissing you, damn, how I miss kissing you. I miss making out with you and how you held me as if you’d never let me go again. I miss how you made me feel as if we could last forever. I miss the way you looked at me and I miss the way you said my name. I miss hearing your voice, I miss hearing you say that you think I’m perfect.
But yes, I would erase it all in a heartbeat because every day without you is a battle. It’s a battle against my thoughts and my memories. I would erase it because every place I’m going to is filled with memories of you. I would erase it because you are haunting me, and if it doesn’t haunt me all day it haunts me at night when I’m asleep and dreaming of the way my life was when you were still here with me. I would erase it because there is not a single day without this ache in my chest, these thoughts in my head, your name on my mind. I would erase it because I just can’t miss you anymore. I would erase it because I am still losing you everyday over and over again and I need it to stop. I just really need this to stop because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly move on. You meant the world to me and I would be lying if I said you don’t anymore. Every cell of my body is still missing you.

13. December 2022 21:38

I always used my goBlog as a diary... great to know I have this opportunity again.