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28. January 2023 01:17

Dear goBlog… this might possibly be the longest post in my go blog, so far. Why? You may ask. And the answer is simple; I am going to talk about my childhood. There is quite a bit to cover so we should get started.

I was 8 years old when my parents seperated. I remember the day very vivedly. Sometimes the day replay in my nightmares, but that hasnt happened in a while now, thankfully. I had a migraine, so my mom stayed home with me that day. I had finally gotten a diagnosis; chronic migraine. It had been bothering me since the age of 6 and my parents were obviously worried about it, because the doctors couldnt seem to figure out what was wrong with me.

I sat infront of the tv and my mom sat in a black leather recliner chair. She asked me to come over to her, and then patted her lap. I rarely ever sat on my moms lap. It was usually dads lap i sat on. I didnt think much of it, while she wrapped me up in blankets. She said; «i need to tell you something.. serious. And it might make you a bit sad. Your dad and I are not together anymore and i will move out in december. I can remember the surge of nausea that went up my entire body. I simply asked «Why?». Mom replied; «we dont love eachother as a couple anymore, but we love eachother as friends.» i started crying while my mom tried to cheer me up, while showing pictures of her new apartment.

In an attempt to make me feel better, she said «Hey, you will have Two bedrooms now.» i didnt care about extra bedrooms. Not really.. i answered her «can we go and get a new barbie doll?» i was an 8year old in emotional distress.

Mom always bought me Barbie dolls. She had promised herself that if she ever had a daughter that wanted Barbie’s, she would buy them for her. My mom weren’t allowed Barbie’s when she was younger, so she went out of her way to give them to me. By no means did she spoil me badly. I am still so incredibly thankful that my mom went up and beyond for me, so that I could look back at my youngest years with tears of joy instead of sadness.

After that day, I believe my mom lived with us for two or three months. It was sunny that day, and it’s not particularly normal for there to be sunny in late October/november. I then had to decide. Who would i live with. I was so scared to dissapoint both my mom and dad, and i didnt want to hurt their feelings in any way.

I decided on spending every other week at my moms, but have my adress at my dads house. That meant that i would continue at the school where i had spent 2 years already. After a while, school started not working out for me. I didnt feel like i fit in, except with my bestfriend which was also my neighbor.

Over the spring break in 4th grade, i decided to move my permanent adress to my mom and live with her «full time». I still spent every other week at my dads house.

It felt more «safe» in the sense of another female, and me getting closer and closer to hitting puberty. The living agreement worked fine for quite some time, although i struggeled to call either houses home. My mom sadly lost her job when the place she worked at shut down. That meant that she could not afford to live where we were living, so we moved. Again. This time, instead of 10 minutes from my childhood home, it was Two hours.

And this is truly where the downwards spiral begins. Its in no way my mom or dads fault that i feel this way. This has everything to do with their partners. A lot of my frustration has been rooted in the fact that others dont understand where i am coming from. They all say «you just dislike your stepparents because they are with your biological parents.» and that is simply false. I wish Nothing more than seeing my mom and dad happy. Sadly, they couldnt make eachother happy anymore, but i still think they deserve to find somebody that does, and complete them wholeheartedly.

The first time i met my stepmom was on Halloween. I remember that i had sprayed my hair black, for trick or treating. However, my trick or treating didnt last long because i fell and Skid my knee quite badly. I came into rhe livingroom, crying- and there she sat. My dad told me she was a friend. I shrugged, and she asked if I needed help to wash out the black hair color.

I liked my stepmom at first. She was nice to me, and took me outside to do fun things. However, things took a turn for the worse. I’m not exactly sure what changed, but she started being snarky. Tossing out comments that my dad wouldn’t hear, but that I would react to. That caused him to think that I lashed out, out of nowhere. Which was not the case. This created a huge gap in my dad and I’s relationship. Not that anything really changed, but that meant that I would go to his house less and less- to the point where I would only see him maybe 5 times a year.

At the same time as my dad met my stepmom, my mom met my stepdad. Not really because my stepdad had been around my family for quite a while since he used to help my grandmother around the farm a lot. Eventually they started a relationship. My grandma was not happy about that, due to the fact that my mom had told her that there was nothing going on between them. This caused a huge wedge between my mom and my grandma… and I got caught in the middle of it.

My stepdad quickly moved into our house and started to have a say, and that’s when the troubles began. It started with small things, such as “you cannot sit in that chair. That is my spot now”. He started calling me things. Words so vile that I cannot even quote them here because they would issue me a warning for improper use of language.
He would tell my embarrassing stories to his friends and family, and laugh about it. He would attack my insecurities, to lower my self esteem and my general worth, saying things such as;” No wonder why you don’t have friends. You are awful.” And other things.

I hope this all gives you an insight into my mind and what I mean about being bitter about my past and childhood. These people were introduced to me, and I was so happy that my parent had found someone. They made my life a living hell. I wonder- where would I be if my parents never split up. Would I be happier? Would i still live at home? Would I still have friends that I can confide in? Would I have a home where I felt welcome and not be a burden? Would I look back at my childhood with fond memories, or would i still sit here with this feeling of a loneliness to a childhood/young adulthood that never became whatever I expected it to be? And last of all; would I be a better person?

I fully believe so. So much of my negativity, and bitterness stems from my difficult teenage years. I want to change. I want to become the person which I most likely would have been if my stepparents never entered my life. Who is that? I don’t know. I just know that this is the worst possible outcome. I need to change. I need to do better. And I need to start with myself.

Bye

25. January 2023 22:28

Dear goblog.. You may wonder why my last posts has been so few and far in between. It has nothing to do with the fact that i "forgot", like stated earlier. The truth is goblog.. I am exhausted. My entire body is shaking, i have constant headaches, and i can barely keep my eyes open. Even the thought of writing my emotions down makes me tired.

The truth is; Im not okay, and that is okay.
Take care of yourself, girlies.

Bye

22. January 2023 18:26

Dear goBlog... Once again- I havent forgotten you. My days hasnt been very interesting. Not feeling well, combined with exhaustion is not the best combination for exciting days. I passed out on the bathroom floor the other day, or almost at least. Im not entirely sure, because i closed my eyes and laid down on the floor.

My hands have been shaking, i have been dizzy and my headaches never let go. I feel a bit better today, so ihave cleaned and shoveled snow again. My doctors think that all this pain and unwellness (is that a word? Most likely not, but you get what i mean) stems from my own head. They claim that I make myself sick. Why would i do that?
It doesnt make sense. I would much rather have energy to meet up with people, do laundry so it doesnt pile up, be able to do dishes before i have nothing clean left. So why on earth would they claim something like that?

Im not sure. I wanted this year to be the year where i make myself happy, and i also said that i have no idea where to start. That is still true, but i believe that step one in making myself happy, is to air thoughts that i carry around in my head. Although if no one reads this, at least its out there and off my chest.

I might not feel like it, but i think i carry alot on my shoulders. Guilt for my past, guilt for my present and worry for my future. The future is a scary thing, you know. Who knows where you will be in 5 years? I carry around a lot of bitterness of my past. Most from my childhood. I didnt have a bad childhood so to speak, but it did come with its challenges, and i do think that those challenges made me into an entirely different person, for the worse. I will not go into detail now, goBlog. That can wait. Maybe tomorrow? Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Bye

19. January 2023 12:06

Dear goBlog... I didnt forget about you yesterday, the fact is that i ***. I hoped for a good day, but it quickly turned for the worse. I have a colleauge that doesnt like to take the metro alone, up to work. Which is why i decided to wait for her, like i usually do whenever i am working. We take an earlier metro because she likes to have a lot of time to walk up to work. Its quite steep up to work, so you get out of breath quite quickly.
She knows im on the station early and just sit there, waiting for her.

When it was time to go on the metro, i see her walking towards it , so i just go in. She then calls me and says "i will take the next one. I need cigarettes." Like.... really? she could have asked me to buy them during the hour i was just waiting. Talk about wasting someones time.

When i got to work, i realized that my bra had broken, and the wire kept poking me between my ribs.

Then i got told that i dont do enough at work. And then another cheft kept bugging me about putting pots that i had cooked caramel in, to the dishwasher. He claimed i had to boil water in it to help the dish washer. The person in the dishes is the lady from the metro. He and I argued twice, because he just simply would not let it go. I just eventually gave up, walked to the wardrobe and just sat there to calm down.

When i walked home from work, i fell tiwce and went into the splits, so my knees hurt even more now

Bye

17. January 2023 19:06

Dear goBlog... Today has been..something, i guess. Someone had put a green crate in the hallway at work, and i didnt see it beacuse i was carrying some boxes. Of course i fell over it, and smashed both of my knees into the concrete floor. Not just that, but there were 10 or so people that saw me fall. My knees hurt extra now.

He hugged me today. He never did before we "broke up". I talked to my friend about it. One of few friends that know about what we were.. My friend said that he thinks he misses me. I dont think that is the case. And i know my friend wouldnt lie about something like that either.

He has no right to miss me, if that is the case. He decided to "break up", because he didnt want anything serious. I never expected him to marry me or have kids with me. I just wanted to.. i dont know. Be able to kiss his cheek in public and just be "official" i guess. I hate to admit it, but i feel so comforted whenever he hugs me. I feel like im spiraling, GoBlog. It is as if im loosing contact with my feelings and emotions. It just feels very.. numb at times. I need to work on that. I just dont know where to start.

Bye