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Lexielove wrote:
To me its automatic. Tho i do it more than the average neurotypical bc of mental health problems (people pleasing, rejection sensitivity, social anxiety). Even with it being automatic tho it can still be exhausting. I sometimes realise that im feeling bitter bc people dont bend over backwards to make me comfertable like i do for them, but then i have to remind myself that the degree i do it to isnt actually healthy and i cant expect it of ppl and i wouldnt actually want them to put that much effort into it

Edit: dont apologise:) i dont mind it
ohh! ty for answering<3 i do relate to people pleasing, and i can imagine it can be exhausting. it seems that way and ive always had to dissect people so like i guess i also relate to the bitterness that can come with that? i hope you evnt feel comfy and safe enough to be more honest about that you add underlying meaning to things, ask for people to check in more perhaps??
<3
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Lavvi wrote:
ohh! ty for answering<3 i do relate to people pleasing, and i can imagine it can be exhausting. it seems that way and ive always had to dissect people so like i guess i also relate to the bitterness that can come with that? i hope you evnt feel comfy and safe enough to be more honest about that you add underlying meaning to things, ask for people to check in more perhaps??
<3
Thank you thats really sweet of you. And i am working on it:))
Lavvi wrote:
hmm im bad at giving examples on the top of my head. im really trying the few times lately isnt something i feel like sharing
but i can put what i usually tell people when i get close to them, one of the main things is that i dont always understand the hidden meanings and to please say things straight out. then they have hidden meanings(maybe they dont even mean to) and dont let me know if i didnt follow and see it? then get upset because i didnt get it.

and me saying "hey i might come with own experiences when youre talking about something, its to let you know i understand you. if you dont like this please tell me so i can work around it when its about you/remember and do my best" and then they get upset about it, but hold it in until they get really mad about it? all the passive agressiveness is also a huge thing i HATE cause i dont understand why always, i just understand that its something there.
ofc that one ive chosen to close my eyes to, if ur upset about something use ur adult words.

but for what to look out for is honestly just the words. and please, if you think theres something behind something, or ur wondering if u understood correct, just ask!! i love when people doublecheck if they understood it makes me feel so heard? that might just be my experience tho.
no worries about the examples!
like you said, i think a lot of the times people don't even mean to hide what they actually feel. i think it's just how we have been socialized in order to be nice. it is seen as rude to just say things directly, which sometimes is absolutely necessary, but other times it's making things a lot harder, even between neurotypicals themselves lol

i will try to do it that way :)
little_muffin wrote:
no worries about the examples!
like you said, i think a lot of the times people don't even mean to hide what they actually feel. i think it's just how we have been socialized in order to be nice. it is seen as rude to just say things directly, which sometimes is absolutely necessary, but other times it's making things a lot harder, even between neurotypicals themselves lol

i will try to do it that way :)
aaa why dont you all say to each other "hi lets slow down the hidden messages", or is there some joy in it?? like a puzzle maybe?
im a huge fan of PSA with people about things i know get on neurotypicals nerves so they also have an open space to voice if theres something they dislike and i feel like the world would be easier for everyone to navigate if that wasnt a thing.
but this is also coming from someone w autism who dont get it so lmao

<333
Lavvi wrote:
aaa why dont you all say to each other "hi lets slow down the hidden messages", or is there some joy in it?? like a puzzle maybe?
im a huge fan of PSA with people about things i know get on neurotypicals nerves so they also have an open space to voice if theres something they dislike and i feel like the world would be easier for everyone to navigate if that wasnt a thing.
but this is also coming from someone w autism who dont get it so lmao

<333
in a lot of situations there is sooo much joy in it! especially when flirting hahah so much cuter to be "mysterious" lol
btw how do you navigate flirting (if you seek romantic/sexual partners and don't mind answering that question)?

also i am not sure it's really possible to slow down the hidden messages haha i feel like it is very human to communicate in many different ways, so those "hidden messages" might be very clear to a neurotypical person because they can also read other "clues" like facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice etc (not to say autistic peeps can't do that at all, but i does seem to be harder, right?). but honestly there are so many neurotypicals who also can't read any of those signs lol or they don't care
Lavvi wrote:
i find it so weird how misunderstandings happen even when im v clear with things? and its like im trying all the time to be understood but i dont understand how i can be clear, like straight ass forward w shit, yet still be misunderstood???

like i dont know what im not reading correctly about people, what im missing. i feel like i can say something word straightforward, yet people bend backwards to find hidden meanings or hints and stick to them instead??

idk im just thoughtful and confused and wondered how other ppl handle that? if there is a way to speak clearly yet also add "undertones/hints" that hints to the exact thing im saying?? gah idk if im even making sense

*to clear up in case = im autistic*
Yes I feel the same, I often have really trouble when communicating. I try to be really clear about things so I ask or explain to the pin point to prevent a misunderstanding and yet??

and then sometimes im rude or whatever and I ask for genuine feedback like what did I do wrong? If you dont explain it how am i supposed to reflect it???

Im also autistic i hope i can also find something helpful in topic ahhhh
little_muffin wrote:
in a lot of situations there is sooo much joy in it! especially when flirting hahah so much cuter to be "mysterious" lol
btw how do you navigate flirting (if you seek romantic/sexual partners and don't mind answering that question)?

also i am not sure it's really possible to slow down the hidden messages haha i feel like it is very human to communicate in many different ways, so those "hidden messages" might be very clear to a neurotypical person because they can also read other "clues" like facial expressions, gestures, tone of voice etc (not to say autistic peeps can't do that at all, but i does seem to be harder, right?). but honestly there are so many neurotypicals who also can't read any of those signs lol or they don't care
but how do you know if its flirting or just being nice?
i thought ive never been flirted with at all but my friend gave me the eye and told me that there is no way i wouldve realized it if they were. so i dont navigate anything im blind i dont have real life flirting skills i just ask questions and do things like idk one time i flirted and touched their arm i feel like that was pretty flirty. but now that im writing it i think its not as flirty as it is in my head.

aHHH ok righright! i was p good at that before i was well taught? ok i think i was but lets be honest, i probs wouldnt know if i wasnt so like... yea. its more like, when i have to, i overlisten/watch to find everything and end up exhausted when the interraction is done. its like being on tippy toes following everything, and then having to match with my own body language haha.
Commenting so i can read this later <3
fragolata wrote:
Yes I feel the same, I often have really trouble when communicating. I try to be really clear about things so I ask or explain to the pin point to prevent a misunderstanding and yet??

and then sometimes im rude or whatever and I ask for genuine feedback like what did I do wrong? If you dont explain it how am i supposed to reflect it???

Im also autistic i hope i can also find something helpful in topic ahhhh
!!! this ugh!!

like hOW will we know what upsets and shouldnt be done again if??its never explained?? am i supposed to be a mindreader or something
Lavvi wrote:
but how do you know if its flirting or just being nice?
i thought ive never been flirted with at all but my friend gave me the eye and told me that there is no way i wouldve realized it if they were. so i dont navigate anything im blind i dont have real life flirting skills i just ask questions and do things like idk one time i flirted and touched their arm i feel like that was pretty flirty. but now that im writing it i think its not as flirty as it is in my head.

aHHH ok righright! i was p good at that before i was well taught? ok i think i was but lets be honest, i probs wouldnt know if i wasnt so like... yea. its more like, when i have to, i overlisten/watch to find everything and end up exhausted when the interraction is done. its like being on tippy toes following everything, and then having to match with my own body language haha.
hahaha well that's a whole nother topic, because i'm gay and with women or n/b folks i find it a lil harder to tell as well haha
but when a guy tries so flirt with me i find it soooo obvious all the time lol but that's probably because i can't stand them and am weirded out by any of their tries by now haha
and i am also convinced that i can almost all of the times tell if someone likes me just by the way they look at me. i can just read it in their eyes somehow, i can't even explain what it is exactly that i see, sorry :D

i feel like it isn't really something you can learn, it is more of a natural instinct i guess? that's why it usually isn't exhausting for us.
even people without autism misinterpret a lot of stuff, read too much into stuff, cannot be straight forward, are confusing, don't understand what people meant, in general lots of miscommunication



but i understand that it has to be even more frustrating as an autistic person, trying hard and people still don't get it
this is so interesting.

my friend got a message from a person with autism, and he called her a pretty blonde or something along those lines.
she thought he called her dumb, because of the "dumb blondes stereotype", while i was trying to assure her that he just meat that she's a pretty blonde.
if my memory is correct, she asked and he had just meant that she was pretty and blonde.

i forgot my point of bringing this up, but yeah. i find it so interesting how they will read into specific words and such.
Lavvi wrote:
i find it so weird how misunderstandings happen even when im v clear with things? and its like im trying all the time to be understood but i dont understand how i can be clear, like straight ass forward w shit, yet still be misunderstood???

like i dont know what im not reading correctly about people, what im missing. i feel like i can say something word straightforward, yet people bend backwards to find hidden meanings or hints and stick to them instead??

idk im just thoughtful and confused and wondered how other ppl handle that? if there is a way to speak clearly yet also add "undertones/hints" that hints to the exact thing im saying?? gah idk if im even making sense

*to clear up in case = im autistic*
Yea same here.

I haven't found a successful way to handle it yet and I've tried A LOT. For now I just put a disclaimer in my profile about being autistic, for example saying that how people might perceive me is not my fault since I say what I mean and mean what I say, their interpretation of me is not my fault.
shy guy wrote:
this is so interesting.

my friend got a message from a person with autism, and he called her a pretty blonde or something along those lines.
she thought he called her dumb, because of the "dumb blondes stereotype", while i was trying to assure her that he just meat that she's a pretty blonde.
if my memory is correct, she asked and he had just meant that she was pretty and blonde.

i forgot my point of bringing this up, but yeah. i find it so interesting how they will read into specific words and such.
Do you think it has something to do with that woman tend to be more emotional and think more into stuff

while men tend to be more, uhm, say stuff without thinking abt it too much??



ofc it's a generalization, but that's the case in my surroundings
Lavvi wrote:
!!! this ugh!!

like hOW will we know what upsets and shouldnt be done again if??its never explained?? am i supposed to be a mindreader or something
Yes :(
Patagonia wrote:
Do you think it has something to do with that woman tend to be more emotional and think more into stuff

while men tend to be more, uhm, say stuff without thinking abt it too much??



ofc it's a generalization, but that's the case in my surroundings
That could be a part of it.
As a AFAB person, with possible autism, i also read it as him just calling her a pretty blonde.
So i'm not fully sure, but i'm sure my friend doesn't have autism, and she was so confused on the matter while i was 90% sure he meant to just call her a pretty blonde.
shy guy wrote:
That could be a part of it.
As a AFAB person, with possible autism, i also read it as him just calling her a pretty blonde.
So i'm not fully sure, but i'm sure my friend doesn't have autism, and she was so confused on the matter while i was 90% sure he meant to just call her a pretty blonde.
Yeah of course it doesn't apply to anyone.

I guess insecurities also play a big role in it.
shy guy wrote:
That could be a part of it.
As a AFAB person, with possible autism, i also read it as him just calling her a pretty blonde.
So i'm not fully sure, but i'm sure my friend doesn't have autism, and she was so confused on the matter while i was 90% sure he meant to just call her a pretty blonde.
i honestly would have stumbled over these words as well as a neurotypical person. there are just certain things attached to certain words / word combinations, and the "pretty blonde = dumb" combination is a very obvious one, don't you think?

but i also personally wouldn't like being "reduced" to my hair colour lol